Gucci officially kicked off Milan Fashion Week today with a show straight out of the Twilight Zone. And Game of Thrones. And How to Make a Murderer. With unibrows. And babushkas. Seriously, even by the standards with which we have all come to judge Gucci, this fashion show was weird as fuck. In a good way. Mostly. I don’t know. There’s a lot to take in and unpack here, so let’s just take it one (wonderfully?) fucked-up step at a time, shall we?
1. The runway was set up like an operating room.
However, the overall effect was less “sterile hospital room” and more “creepy hidden bunker where sociopathic surgeons conduct human experiments with black ops funding provided by the US government.” You know what I mean.
2. Models carried their own severed heads.
Not all the models, mind you — that would be excessive — just these two. They look like they haven’t see the sun in years, but that’s life in the bunker for you! I can’t help wondering if those heads might not also be bags. I don’t know. Probably best not to think about it too much. Let’s just move on.
3. Crystal nipple pasties were paired with a colorful knit mask.
Very los-luchadores-meets-Gatsby-meets-high-school-track-and-field. With Bangles! That’s a thing, right? Well, if it wasn’t before, it is now!
4. There were a lot of references to the New York Yankees.
Maybe Alessandro Michele is a baseball fan?
5. One model wore a pagoda on her head.
6. Then this happened.
7. And this.
8. This guy looked like a straight-up serial killer.
It’s like Norman Bates and Little Edie had a son.
Shifty-eyed mofo. He is definitely on the prowl for his next victim.
9. There was a baby dragon.
Game of Thrones, anyone?
10. A native American Kachina doll made an appearance.
This look is hot off the res. Seriously, it looks like a Hopi ceremonial doll come to life.
11. This dress happened.
Someone promoting a film produced by Paramount NEEDS to wear this to the Oscars, right? Let’s all just put that out into the universe and see what happens.
12. This creepy dude walked.
He must be friends with Norman Bates’ and Little Edie’s kid.
13. Unibrows made a strong beauty statement for both men and women.
Strong like hot limburger cheese!
14. Returning to Game of Thrones for a moment, Melisandre made an appearance.
15. As did the ghost of David Bowie.
Oh you pretty thing!
16. This model had a third eye implanted into her forehead that looked almost as dead and vacant as her real eyes.
17. And here’s another guy definitely on the hunt for his next kill with Little Edie’s kid.
They’re like a gang or something.
And there you have it! I mean, that’s not everything. The show was freaking massive — I’m talking like 90 looks — but the human mind can only take in so much in a single sitting.
What does it all mean? I don’t know and, honestly, I don’t want to know. Gucci is just Gucci. It’s weird. It’s wonderful. It’s whacked the fuck out.