Nothing says “the holidays” quite like a good, old fashioned, rage-filled retail rant. First world problems? We’ve got ’em in spades! Below, find an actual letter sent to us by a very miffed New Yorker (who shall remain nameless) calling out a certain high-end retailer (who shall also remain nameless) for ruining her holiday plans. It might seem petty, but let’s be honest, pettiness and outrage are the true spirits of the season. Enjoy!
Dear [redacted luxury retailer],
Happy almost Thanksgiving! Well, that is, happy almost Thanksgiving to everyone else in the United States. Not for me, though, as you have RUINED MY LIFE by delaying my pre-cooked, seasoned turkey, which had been slated to arrive to my doorstep via FedEx today, but will now arrive on FRIDAY, November 29, the day AFTER Thanksgiving.
As much as I appreciate your efforts to locate it in the warehouse in the Tennessee boondocks where it is allegedly being held due to “bad weather,” your solution of having it arrive on November 29th is not exactly helpful. How am I supposed to feed 8 gluten-free, free-range, organic-only mouths at my Restoration Hardware dinner table tomorrow? I certainly can’t cook a raw bird in my oven as I am trying to keep the kitchen in pristine condition to protect my apartment’s resale value. Also, I don’t know how and that particular kitchen tool is currently being used to store my summer sandals and other seasonal items that don’t fit in my walk-in closet.
Seriously, what protein am I supposed to serve with my Dolce & Gabbana pasta, which I also ordered from your website and which has conveniently arrived on time? You’re throwing me into a total state of chaos as I race through the streets of New York now, playing frogger on the sidewalk with slow moving tourists while pleading into my cell phone to the employees at Le District and Le Coq Rico who both laughed me off the line when I had the nerve to call the day before Thanksgiving to inquire if they had any pre-cooked birds available. Honestly, this whole situation is nothing short of shameful.
That said, I do believe there are a few things you could do to ameliorate the situation. One: you could charter some sort of refrigerated truck or plane to bring my wayward Turkey to me on time like you said you would, like you were CONTRACTED to do when I paid for the bird in the first place. I’m sure mine won’t be the only bird on board, as I imagine you’ve now destroyed the holiday plans of many a New Yorker. Two: you can source local birds for all those impacted by this monument to bad planning that you have created, paying for them with the money you have effectively STOLEN from us at this point. Or three (and, honestly, this really is the absolute LEAST you could do): you could refund my money while offering me the option of either receiving my bird on the 29th or getting a different bird, delivered on a date of my choosing. And, should you decide to throw in a little something extra such as, say, one of the gifts from your famous holiday assortment, just to sweeten the deal, I certainly wouldn’t be opposed to choosing from a curated selection, although at this rate, I wouldn’t hold my breath on whatever I chose arriving before Valentine’s Day.
Thank you in advance for your understanding and prompt response.
Turkeyless and Tired