From The Daily Summer: Hamptons 101, According To The Local Glossies

by The Daily Front Row

(NEW YORK)  As you wait with baited breath to get ahold of this week’s gorgeous issue of The Daily Summer, a gem you might’ve missed from our last issue! Without further ado…

Though I’d seen the Hamptons on Gossip Girl and Real Housewives, I’ve never actually been there, so my editor sent me home with the local literature and asked me to record my findings. Here’s what I learned!

It’s a retirement community for models.
Brooke Shields is on the cover of Hamptons. Christie Brinkley is on the cover of Social Life, in addition to her spread in Dan’s Papers. Erstwhile Housewife Kelly Killoren Bensimon has a feature called “The Supers” in Hamptons, starring Stephanie Seymour, Christy Turlington, Rachel Hunter, and a gaggle of other 40-something mannequins talking about how great it is out there. Even Little Edie Beale is identified as a “former model.” Are the regular MILFs jealous?

Home is where everything is.
All that matters in the Hamptons is your house, apparently. Where it is, where you bought it, who you bought it from, when you bought it, how much you paid for it, who designed it, and what sort of patterned throw pillows you accent it with. According to my calculations, 96.89 percent of all articles are actually about real estate. 

Barns are the best.
Remember when you’d leave the door open and your mom would ask if you were raised in a barn? Lots of people in the Hamptons actually live in barns, which are chicer than regular houses, especially when they’re 20,000-square feet with interiors by Michael S. Smith.

Alec Baldwin is the world’s most famous movie star.
In the real world, Alec Baldwin can’t “open” a movie on his own. In the Hamptons, he is Johnny Depp crossed with pre-crack-up Tom Cruise. There are three separate photos of Amityville’s #1 son in Hamptons alone. And everyone’s walking on eggshells: The biggest “Hamptons no-no,” Nathan Lane tells Beach, is “interrupting Alec Baldwin.”

Everybody loves Gwyneth Paltrow.
The Hamptons is essentially her Goop newsletter come to life, so it sorta makes sense. She’s on the cover of Beach, where she shares some of her favorite recipes like she did three months ago in Self. Dan’s Papers even reviewed her movie, Iron Man 3, a full month after it came out (“sheer fun bursting from the screen!”) just so they could refer to her as “Hamptonite Gwyneth Paltrow.” 

Proximity to fame is important.
Both Beach and Hamptons have a page just listing famous people who summer there, and Dan’s Papers has a column called “Who’s Here.” It reminds me of when Canadians tell you who all the Canadian celebrities are. 

Property lines are really important.
Every house in the Hamptons is bordered with white lines so that people in helicopters can see where your property ends and someone else’s begins. 

Don’t mess with Joan Jedell.
In case you couldn’t tell by the title, Joan is the founder, publisher, editor-in-chief, photographer, and creative director at Joan Jedell’s Hampton Sheet. The only person who is perhaps a bigger media mogul is that guy Dan.

Natural staging is key.
According to both Hamptons and Beach, the best way to showcase your jewelry is not on a model, but by draping it over driftwood, flowers, or other “beachy” items.

Real estate agents are A-listers.
They get their pictures in the party pages along with the celebs, and both Avenue and HC&G include interviews with a bunch of them. I’m sure they’re nice people, and everyone likes ads, but let’s have some dignity, people.

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