The Flack Files, Vol. 3: Dear Blogger, I Just Need One Little Favor…

by Ashley Baker
Flack Files

Flack Files

‘Tis the season for giving, and you know what that means in fashionland: seasonal gifting! Our anonymous publicist, of course, just needs one little thing in return…

Dearest Blogger,

Happy Tuesday! What exotic location will you jet-off to for free this weekend, so your boyfriend-I-mean-photographer can take Instagrams of you looking wistfully into the distance on the beach?

I have hatched up a genius gifting in a desperate ploy to get you to post about my client. We have $150 budgeted for the project (including shipping). Picture me, crossing my fingers that you don’t immediately forward this email to your agent at DBA. He’ll ask (again) for $10,000 for one post where the client’s name was misspelled in the caption, with zero statistics on return, and that’s a real soul-crusher.

I enjoyed your latest post about vulnerability, casually staged in an affiliate-linked crop top. (Nothing says emotional authenticity like #lovetk.ik.) Your three years interning haven’t quite made you Cathy Horyn, but we understand that it hurts to be shunned by A-list market editors who have been relegated to second row in order to accommodate you and your iPhone in first.

I am super sorry that the gift I sent you didn’t fit. It couldn’t possibly be because you photoshop yourself to look like a size 0, while in reality you are a healthy, lovely size 6. Did you hear the one about the blogger with 1 million-plus Insta followers who was unceremoniously fired from an influencer campaign because she showed up and none of the clothes fit?

In all seriousness, I’m not saying that you all don’t work hard or have a very specifically honed skill set. You’re crushing it! And I realize you are totally inundated with horrific unwanted gifts and pathetic pitches from other PRs who are also abusing the system. But still, your post about the Cuchini** was so awesome!

**That’s a panty pad that protects unsuspecting victims from camel toe. Dear Publicist who actually wrote that email pitch – PLEASE STOP MAKING US LOOK BAD.

If I could be you right now, I’d drop everything and run out in a pair of gifted Rockstuds and start twirling on a cobblestone street. Now I won’t keep you away from shooting your curated nightstand set-up any longer, complete with an Adler zebra tray and a peony.  I can’t wait to hear what you think! #pleasenodba

xoxox

Publicist

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