The Flack Files Returns! Our Deranged Publicist Is NOT Feeling the Holiday Cheer…

by Ashley Baker

Back by populi demand, we have convinced our favorite (semi-unhinged, entirely anonymous) publicist to gift us with her unforgettable column, the Flack Files. Consider it an early holiday gift, gorgeous readers! Let’s get right to it:

Dear editors, clients and fellow publicists,

As the weather turns chilly, I feel #blessed that the fire of rage burns hot in my heart for all of the disgusting antics that we must resort to in the name of “the holidays.”

First, I’d like to address something I’ve seen far too much this year: This new trend of using “Friendsgiving” as an event lure is nothing short of absurd. Friendsgiving, at its core, is an excuse not to travel home and be forced to endure your creepy uncle Rodney. Instead, it is a delicious staycation where you get drunk with other city refugees wise enough to avoid going to the homestead.  It is NOT…

  • a luncheon for society ladies
  • a dinner soiree celebrating this revolting new trend of chicken sashimi
  • really just any event thrown prior to November 23rd
Please, just call the event what it is: A client excuse to try to cram your client in everyone’s faces prior to the inevitable holiday peace-out.
But onto the more devastating part of “the season”…the dreaded gift guide. Nothing strikes more fear in the hearts of publicists than the inevitable email from a client that reads, “Why were we not included in this gift guide?” with a link. Nevermind that the link goes directly to and features items that are all over $5,000 and you, dear client make Etsy-esque scarves that retail for $39.99.
Here’s the truth: PR teams have been running themselves ragged since JULY to attempt these sad placements. We all know good and well that 80% of these gift guide spaces are promised to advertisers (and “potentials”), so me pitching for the 2% of placement opportunities that are true “editorial” is nothing short of an act of pumpkin-spiced desperation.
But don’t worry—I’ll use every tool in my box to try to tempt you, dear editor, for your affections. Speaking of, did you like that suitcase-sized box of wine-flavored candy that was packaged with 100 pounds of glitter that you will only get off of your desk by mid July 2018, just in time for next year’s pitch?
Now for those editors I consider to be bona fide friends, I promise you my firstborn and an actual visit with the real baby Jesus if you please just put my lackluster client in a 56 page-long slide show about “What To Get Your Receptionist’s Niece for the Holidays.” I’ve basically entertained you all year to culminate in a massive favor for a holiday placement. Don’t disappoint!
Ho ho ho and bah humbug,
Your festive flack

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1 comment

NS November 17, 2017 - 4:50 PM

Sounds like you work at a tier d agency with tier d clients


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