For the record, our Flack is putting on her bridesmaid dress for the last time. This one’s for you, blushing beauties!
Dear June Bride,
Let’s take a moment to talk about you. It’s the only thing we’ve been hearing about for the past six months. Your big day is in three weeks? I only have 17 pounds left to drop in order to fit into the size 4 gown I optimistically purchased. Thanks, cutie! While I do appreciate your nod to our individuality by allowing us to select our own dresses, your casual “It’s your chance to really splurge on something designer!” was as subtle as a SCUD missile. Thank god for my Barneys credit card that I got back in ’05 when they gave credit limits out like candy…’cuz you and I both know PR essentially pays in x’s and o’s.
My unlimited budget really came in handy for your destination wedding venue that has a three-night minimum. But yes, of course, you’re right—I’ll just think of this as my summer vacation and that’ll make it totally worth it. There’s no other way I’d rather spend my meager five days off anywhere else than celebrating you and your choices in Zika zone. No plus one? No problem! What kind of lunatic would want to bring their boyfriend to a wedding? Ew…to think that he would then be able to share in the hotel cost with me? No, thanks. Yes, of course I’d be delighted to help you buy your bridesmaids’ gifts at a discount. That’s why I work in PR—to help all of my friends get things for free. Speaking of, remember that time you ambushed me in the dressing room of Kleinfeld’s and told me to tell the sales gal how much of an influencer you were so that I could score you a dress discount? I shall scrapbook a page of that magic moment into our friendship annal.
Sidebar: I’m totes tuning in to Say Yes to the Dress on a daily basis to see if my bloated face is rolling its eyes in the background of someone else’s fitting. Honey, that sheer lace corset look is sooooo special. Anywho, looking forward to sweating the night away at the reception and then leaving my soiled bridesmaid dress in a heap on the floor of the hotel bathroom. Spoiler alert—that “designer dud” you requested I buy is actually from F21.
Much love and Mazel!
P.S. Cheers to you for getting knocked up on your honeymoon, so we can keep on showering you with affection and 10 percent of our after-tax salary for the foreseeable future.