The Flack Files, Vol. 8: The Truth Hurts, and Other New Year Ruminations

by Ashley Baker
Flack Files

New Year, new flack? Not so much. Our beleaguered publicist is back and pitching. Here’s what she’s really thinking…

Dearest Editor,

Happy New Year!
Read: I’m going to use this fart in the wind greeting for at least 3 weeks until I can seamlessly transition to OMG Here Comes Fashion Month!

 I hope you had a wonderful holiday season. I don’t know about you, but I’m on a juice cleanse and a Tracy Anderson binge for the next quarter.
Read: I guzzled 2 remaining bottles of Beaujolais Nouveau like there was no tomorrow last evening and actually took the elevator in the subway today.

What happened to that warm streak we were having? I don’t remember approving the arrival of winter…thank goodness for my shearling coat.
Read: I am so excited I can casually drop that I own a shearling coat.

We should plan a trip to Nicaragua to escape these blustery temperatures! My friend runs a tree-house-meets-surf-camp down there…you might know her, she’s kind of a big deal on Instagram.
Read: My friend is a total douche, and let’s take advantage of her.

Hey really quickly, I was wondering if you were putting together a Valentine’s Day Gift Guide by chance?
Read: I know I am 6 months late on this pitch but I totally forgot and now have to do this to save my ass from getting fired. Although that aforementioned shearling would look great in the unemployment line.

Or maybe you’re working on a Spring “What to Wear to Coachella” story? Such a siiick lineup, right?
Read: I’m simultaneously desperately trying to be ahead of the curve. Also, I’m dropping an au courant cultural reference to prove my relevance. While I thought I had officially aged out of Coachella, I saw that an arthritic Axel Rose was on the docket and thought, Hey, why not me?

When you have a moment can you please let me know about the sample returns from that shoot for the March 2015 issue?
Read: I saw you wearing that top at the Polo Club last week. Please give it back and spare us the shame of a client-generated invoice.

Anywho, let’s grab dinner before Fashion Month kicks into high gear—let me know your schedule next week?
Read: I’m laying serious groundwork for the copious emails that come with NYFW event invites. Also, I’m broke as a joke (again, shearling) and could really use a nice dinner on my boss’s dime.

Lots of love!
Your Fondest Flack
Read: I’m on the brink of suicide.

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