The latest drop of episodes from FX and Hulu’s camp thriller The Shards saw Bret (Igby Rigney) and the gang finally make it to homecoming, where Susan (Kaia Gerber) once again frumped it up in a long sleeve dress that looks like she mopped it from her mother’s closet, while Debbie (Hayes Warner) went full princess Diana bridal shower sex kitten, and Thom (Graham Campbell) rocked yet another stunner from his seemingly endless array of colorful blazers.
Mild spoilers ahead. But nothing too scandalous. And certainly nothing to dull the sharpness of the episodes’ darker subplots.
Episode five opens with Bret, boy detective, donning his school uniform for a trip to visit the father of his missing “friend” Matt Kellner.
And what are grieving fathers wearing in the LA suburbs in the fall of 1981? Navy cable knit cashmere sweaters over blue and white striped broadcloth shirts, apparently. There are a lot of sweaters in this episode. We know the show is set in a “pre-runaway global warming” LA in the fall, but most of the cast still feels overdressed. Even if stylishly so.
Speaking of overdressed, here’s Principal Croft in a sweater and blazer for his meeting with Debbie’s parents. If he wasn’t sweating bullets before they arrived he certainly was after (that’s not a spoiler, just a teaser).
Debbie’s mother Liz is also overdressed, but wonderfully so in a full-length black fox fur coat. It’s probably faux for TV, but Evan Rachel Wood is glamorous enough to make us believe it’s the real deal. And, of course, her character would sooner die than wear faux.
You gotta love the way costume designers give high school girls in these shows backpacks so small they couldn’t conceivable hold even a moleskin, let alone a textbook. Then again, Debbie isn’t exactly the bookish type. And her coke would almost certainly get lost in anything as capacious as a Jansport.
How Debbie manages not to comment on her father (Wes Bentley) showing off a solid six hectares of chest hair while visiting her at school I’ll never understand. Seriously, sir, button up already.
Here’s Steven (Jordan Roth) consulting with Debbie and Susan on the design for their senior class float. He, of course, is rocking a nipped waist and exagerated shoulders, while Debbie wears a shoulder padded velvet bomber of her own and Susan is, once again, in high necked long sleeved sweater that makes her looks like a librarian in a musical by Rogers and Hammerstein.
Careful Miss reporter lady, frumpy coats and dresses are Susan’s thing. For all we know, she could be the killer and she might just come after you for copying her look.
We have to admit, Bret does look good in this white tank top. Besides, what else is a twink like him supposed to wear while lying in bed, eating sashimi, and watching the news?
Here’s Bret in his best boy detective-meets-hotshot reporter cosplay outfit.
And speaking of cosplay, here’s Thom’s creepy guru looking like he stopped by the football field on his way to a Jim Morrison lookalike contest.
Debbie and Susan playing up their whole “good girl/bad girl” dynamic by standing on either side of the Rhonda (Ivy Wolk) before her Clueless-style makeover.
And a rare full length look at Debbie in her Daisy Dukes and Susan in her sweater dress and sensible heels.
And, finally, post-makeover Rhonda (unibrow still decidedly in tact) in a dress seemingly snagged from Debbie’s mother’s closet, although it’s hard to imagine Liz would ever wear anything so pouffy.
Matching your turban to your wrap dress to wander around your mansion and undermine your daughter in front of her friends feels like a definite power move.
Bret and Debbie really do make a cute couple. Poor Debbie.
Here’s Thom looking tortured. The yellow stripes on the arm of his cardigan probably aren’t strictly permitted by the school’s dress code, but they do add a certain something to the outfit.
Do you think Ryan (Daniel Dale) has ever used this jacket as a costume in one of his adult films?
Here’s Bret playing the dutiful and supportive boyfriend in a sharply tailored, double-breasted blazer. What else is a twink like him supposed to wear to a football game? A t-shirt? Perish the thought! Shout out to that girl in the very ’80s acid-washed denim jacket behind him, though. Solid choice, costume department.
And here we have the Stygian Witches of the Buckley School PTA (Steven, Liz, and Terry) in the their shoulder-padded finest, waiting with baited breath to see who takes the homecoming crowns. Honestly, the adults in this show really do have the best outfits.
Will it be Debbie in he best Princess Diana-meets-Debbie Harry mini dress and pearls? Susan in yet another age inappropriate steno pool reject? Or Rhonda in Liz’s hand-me-down baht mitzvah party dress?
And who will be the homecoming king? Will it be Robert Mallory (Homer Gere) in his burgundy suit? Ryan in his high camp, but, frankly adorable cropped black jacket and limp little neck bow? Or Thom in yet another bold-colored blazer from his seemingly endless collection of bold-colored blazers?
Well, we promised no spoilers, so you’ll have to watch the episodes yourself to find out.
