It’s you haven’t been watching FX and Hulu’s hit horror dramedy The Shards, all we can say is, “Get to it already!” The show is high camp, super stylish, and a whole lot of fun. This episode in particular, as the Bret and the gang finally make it to the sound stage to film their much-fretted over episode of Dance Off.
Don’t worry, though. No spoilers ahead. Just great ’80s fashion!
The episode opens with Bret (Igby Rigney) doing his best to teach a very stressed out and rhythmically challenged Thom (Graham Campbell) how to dance with the dubious help of Belinda Carlisle’s “signature move.” How Bret manages to keep his shirt so tightly tucked with all that arm flailing is a mystery for the ages. You gotta admire his commitment to a well-tailored silhouette, though.
Thom’s pants look much more danceable than Bret’s, if only he could get over himself and loosen up already!
Here’s Steven (Jordan Roth) doing his best to impart a little style wisdom to Debbie (Hayes Warner) in a blue leather trench and purple silk scarf. This is the first of two very good, very ’80s, very Claude Montana outfits Steven wears throughout the episode. Leave it to Jordan Roth the snag the best looks of the series so far.
Unfortunately, Debbie’s glitter sweater is serving about as much as her “wedge salad hold the dressing.”
But nothing is as god awful as this off white silk top on Susan (Kaia Gerber). The costume department seems determined to make her look as dowdy as possible. We know her character is more conservative that then rest of the gang, but she’s 18, not 80!
Here’s the gang in their Dance Off best. Debbie is doing her damndest to channel Debbie Harry without the grunge, but it’s not quite working. Which is great for the character, but less great for the rest of us. And Susan, of course, looks like she went digging in her mother’s cloest once again. The boys look good, though. Especially Bret. And Robert Mallory (Homer Gere) is dangerously close to making us believe in the viability of black leather pants for day.
Chacha’s red velvet jumpsuit is giving “Mrs. Claus on her day off from the strip club” and we’re loving it.
And what better for a coke-addled dance show host to wear while doing lines in his Orientalist-themed dressing room than a lavender bathrobe?
And here’s Tony Cruz on the sound stage in his brown velvet tuxedo. Truly horrifying. But amazingly so. And shoutout to the girl on the platform behind him in the Boy George lookalike outfit.
Here’s Ryan Vaugh (Daniel Dale) doing an absolutely terrible job of NOT looking like a porn actor in a white mesh top, white jeans, white belt, and matching white headband.
And, of course, we can’t forget about Thom, who looks like he’s dressed to park cars at the Beverly Hills Hotel and spends the episode walking around like he just learned what legs are for. Honestly, though, the guy really does have a way with colorful blazers.
And, finally, we have Steven and Terry Shaffer (Wes Bentley) in what are, without a doubt, the two best outfits of the episode. Look at those shoulder pads!
You really appreciate how great Steven’s silhouette is from the back. And lavender leather to boot! Where did the costume department even manage to find that!?
