Look, we’ve all been there. You board the LIRR at Penn Station, yearning for two hours and 26 minutes of R&R before you arrive in East Hampton for a blissful summer weekend. But such pleasures are elusive when you end up sitting next to the most obnoxious characters in human history. Here are some of our favorite overheard quotes from train rides this summer!
1. “We were completely in love until I stopped going to SoulCycle.”
2.“My dad’s new girlfriend is coming out this weekend. She has a few free days before she starts her internship.”
3. “Excuse me. I think we just matched on Tinder.”
4.“I went to a techno concert in South Philly. It was the sketchiest street. I don’t know if you’ve been to that area. Literally, it’s like you’re in one of those movies where everyone is in fishnets and punk rocker tattoos with, like, motorcycles everywhere. I thought I was going to get murdered, attacked, mugged, or whatever.”
5. “Where’s the bar car on this thing?”
6. “He’s not so great in the sack, so I just focus on the ocean views from his bedroom.”
7. “I’m four pounds heavier than I was on Friday, and it’s entirely due to rosé.”
8. “If you don’t move your bag from the free seat I’m going to sit on it. Trust me.”
9. “Is Blade really that much more expensive?”
Sometimes things go beyond the random outrageous quote to full blown “Are they seriously saying this?” territory. How about this [hypothetical—cough, cough…] convo between two college kids.
Painful prepster: Are you sure this is the right train?
Chatty gal: Totally. I’ve done this a million times. We just have to change at Jamaica, and hopefully we’ll get a seat. It’s like Game of Thrones out there when it comes to seats.
Prepster: Why do we have to change trains?
Gal: No one really knows. There’s also this off-peak thing that nobody can really explain either. Like, maybe that’s the train in March?
Prepster: What if we miss the connection? Are you sure we’re going to make it?
Gal: It’s set up so that everyone on this train is going on the other train. You transfer, but it’s all the same people.
Prepster: Why would you move an entire train of people onto a different train?
Gal: These are the existential questions that I don’t think about.
Prepster: Whatever. I always thought the Hamptons was, like, 30 minutes away. I took the Jitney last week and I missed my stop. My friends had to drive, like, 10 miles to pick me up. Why is everything so far?
Gal: I scratched another lady’s car two weekends ago in Southampton when I was about to take a Pilates. This bitch and her husband called me out.
Prepster: What kind of car did you hit?
Gal: It was like a Range Rover. And I didn’t even hit it. It was, like, a nice little scratch and I was like, “I didn’t do that.”
Prepster: You tried to lie?
Gal: Yeah, I did. Because I didn’t feel it! She was like, “If you go in and take your class right now, this is going to be considered a hit and run.” I was like, “How is this hitting and running if I’m just going into the building and my car is still there?” I didn’t want to deal with the police because I already paid for my class.
Prepster: Those are the worst, though, those little scratches. Those paint jobs will cost you so much money.
Gal: Yeah, I know.
Prepster: Did she call the cops, though?
Gal: Yeah! I’m like, “Oh, my God, you’re like 40, you can obviously afford it. I even said, like, “I’m 19! Is this really necessary?” And she was like, “Oh, so that means you can’t drive?” And I was like, “No, it just means I’m, like, basically a child. Like, sorry I don’t have that much experience in, like, life. Like, sorry I scratched your car or whatever.” The cop was actually so nice. He was like, “This bitch!”
Prepster: The cops in the Hamptons are chill.
Gal: Yeah, he was like, “This is really unfortunate on your end.” So I looked up this lady after and she, like, filed a complaint because she lives in a billion-dollar apartment in New York City and her neighbor left the shower on and caused a leak in her apartment and she filed for, like, “emotional distress.”
Prepster: Emotional distress?
Gal: I can’t make this up. Yeah, she doesn’t work. The funniest part was that the cop started rubbing the scratch with his finger and it started to come off. I didn’t even tell my parents because they’re like psycho.
Prepster: Yeah, I don’t think I’d tell them.
Gal: I totally agree. Just have the premium go up slowly. Like, they shouldn’t be thinking about this. It’s all about how you deal with it. Are you excited for the weekend?
Prepster: Yeah. I’m gonna be with my boys and not leaving the pool. My internship starts in mid-August, so I’m enjoying myself.
Gal: Where are you doing it?
Prepster: Bro, I’m going to Hong Kong for the semester, but I have no idea what I’m doing.
Gal: Hong Kong’s very relevant right now. Should we start drinking when we transfer? I have wine in my luggage. It’s a ritual.
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