The Flack Files, Vol. 6: Listen Up, Social Media “Expert”…

by The Daily Front Row
Flack Files

Calling all digital mavens! Our fearless Flack has something to get off her chest…

Dear Social Media Coordinator,

I hope you are on the mend after calling in sick with the flu yesterday! Your Instagram feed suggests you may have caught that infectious disease (a hangover) whilst tonguing a drunken elf during Santa Con, but moving on: It’s time to schedule our year-end review. A few things I want to preemptively mention so you can think about your opportunities for improvement (code: these are areas in which you suck).

Yes, we will discuss Autobotgate again. And yes, our client did task us with hitting a totally unrealistic amount of new followers and engagement by the end of the year. But your overzealous use of Instagram’s “like” bot means that our luxury fashion client’s account showed way too much enthusiasm for @rideemcowgirl69, who tends to straddle a hot pink plastic sex toy in assless chaps, et cetera. And it is me, your manager, who got the irate call at 1 a.m. from said client demanding to know how this could have possibly happened. (BTW, I blamed you and said you were drunk.)

Of note, this review will not be opportunity for you to demand a 250% raise because you are “good at pictures.” I did my best to keep a straight face when I first interviewed you and you asked for $80k straight out of college, but I smelled potential. I do expect that you’ll attempt to leverage your friendship with a top blogger’s dog for a raise in our meeting. I’m prepared to counter that with the fact that the whole world was invited to Toast’s wedding. That said, I am delighted you’re networking with those ubiquitous blogger sisters—although remember that time one of them planted a story in the New York Post that casually happened to include her waif weight statistics? That was awkward for everyone.

Regarding workplace attire, I appreciate your nod to individuality in a sea of posers, but I’d be hard-pressed to say that your 24/7 embrace of the crop top trend is client-appropriate. Have you ever considered a tunic? Promise me you’ll think about it—it’s December, after all. Have your parents pay for it—they’re subsidizing your existence as is. And to be clear, I know you are secretly trying to leave to do your blog full time, but until that day, my office is not a runway in which to test-drive Coachella outfits. Your lower abs are great; may I never see them again. All just food for thought for later this week. Until then, happy holidays!

TTYL,
Your Boss

P.S. When you inevitably come into my office post review to resign after less than 6 months of employment because you “want to go work in strategy,” please remember this: to actually contribute to “strategy” you have to actually know something. But best of luck!

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