A Publicist Strikes Back! Part Deux

(Photo by Three Lions/Getty Images)

Yesterday we shared an editor’s anonymous letter to the PR world from the print edition of The Daily and today a publicist has his/her turn to get a few things off the ol’ chest. Anybody else want to chime in anonymously? You know where to find us. 

To: (REDACTED)

Cc: (My Assistant)

Bcc: (All media: market editors, news reporters, stylists, broadcast producers)

Hello!

This is one of your favorite e-mails where I start off pretending to care how you are. What’s new?! Did you survive Paris? Pre-Fall? The Pines? I can’t wait to catch up!!

In reality, I just want to get down to business. Like you want to receive another pitch from me, and like I want to send one? Please. I’m just trying to time your reply. Will it be 10 minutes? Two days? Or I will I still be waiting three months from now? First of all, I’m e-mailing you because the client is paying me to. Obviously. But secondly, I kinda thought we were friends? Am I crazy? Just last week I picked up dinner AND the bar bill…and we both know how many $16 glasses of Chenin Blanc you ordered.

I could have called you for a bit of a throwback, but it’s not Tuesday or Thursday and I’m pretty certain it would go to voice mail or that you’d be on “deadline.” Click. If you ever do pick up and have time to talk, it’s too much of a surprise and I get flustered. I’m prepared for the voice mail, have my PR voice down, the message concise with a hint of mystery—the ultimate cat and mouse. No, I’m sticking with the e-mail.

So anyway, I’m writing because I’m [hosting] [inviting] [pitching] [being told I must tell you about] the new [client] [collection] [press day] [fashion show] [cocktail party]. It is AMAZING!! (Help! They are making me write it in all caps and with excess exclamation points!) Will you respond? Don’t forget about drinks and dinner last week…and how I happily ordered you an UBER to Brooklyn.

I’ve known you for [three] [five] [seven] years and [three] [five] [seven] agencies for me, magazines/websites for you. Doesn’t that count for something? It could just be a cold and quick reply. I don’t care if there are emoticons or exclamation points. I don’t care if you thank me for dinner. Because here’s the thing: I just have to tell my client. It’s the same as when you have to tell your [editor] [celebrity talent]. I have these [daily] [weekly] [monthly] calls and reports that I have to send to my client. And they depend on you actually responding to me. Having “awaiting reply” in my report is basically putting me at risk.

Don’t I get back to you on your [sample request] [interview request] [editor’s discount] [friend discount] [family discount] in a timely manner? Trust me, this new celebrity foot sole line from the third runner-up from Big Brother 2011 is going to be HUGE. No, I know they are shoe inserts and won’t be seen, but here’s the genius thing: Just put the credit in…and you’ll get a free dinner. Again.

Believe me, I get that your job is tough. Mine is too. I have hundreds of you e-mailing me at all times of day and night with “urgent” requests. I’m not going to send you an “urgent” e-mail at night. Wait, I take that back, I will if it’s Fashion Week, and I’m desperately trying to finish my seating chart, and the show is in two days, AND ARE YOU COMING??!!

You better come. I have, like, three seats that I can squeeze 15 people into, but you’ve insisted that you’ll make it to [New York] [London] [Milan] [Paris]. Thank goodness my client doesn’t know your face because if you don’t show, I’ll mark you as “attended” anyway. But know that you’ll get an e-mail from me the next day and that you will be coming to Press Preview.

You know, we’ve all signed up for MailChimp for one reason: We can tell when you open an e-mail, look at it, and even click the link. Is it really that hard, then, to press reply? Even if it’s just to say, “Leave me alone!”?

Let’s pretend to get drinks soon!

xo,

Your Friend, the Publicist